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This is part two of our series on massaging a scene that was sent in last week by a listener who was anxious to hear Taylor’s thoughts on the scene.
The first show in the series was focused on dialogue and the last will be focused on point of view issues. This show covers everything else, so it’s a bit of a hodgepodge episode where we deal with telling versus showing and changing some “showing” language to inner dialogue to add immediacy to our scene.
Here’s the piece we used at the start of this week’s show:
“What does that mean?” Michelle had taken an instant dislike to the man, but at this point she’d gone so far down the ladder of possible agents she didn’t have much other choice. She was repelled by his office, which was filthy and grimy, and by the man himself, who, sadly, fit in with it.
Fat. Comb-over. Dirty fingernails and a stained white shirt with the tails out in the back. Brown plaid jacket. What a repulsive mess.”
Taylor sees some telling versus showing in the two paragraphs above and makes some verbal changes to improve the immediacy of the scene.
Taylor’s notes this section are below:
Here’s the original for the next section we covered:
Michelle breathed a heavy sigh, despite the stench and smoke. She was getting nowhere. So far, she’d spent over two years and most of her savings trying to catch a break. If something didn’t work out soon she’d have to admit defeat and go back to Charlotte. She’d hate doing that, but staying with her parents was her only option until she figured out what to do next. She didn’t want to walk out of here empty-handed though.
“Can you recommend anyone else I might try?”
Taylor’s notes on this section, where we go from reading about Michelle to being Michelle and really ramping up the immediacy of the scene.
Here’s the revised version, where we ARE Michelle.
Michelle breathed a heavy sigh of stench and smoke. This was going nowhere. Over two years and most of her savings trying to catch a break and if something didn’t work out soon she’d be forced to admit defeat and go back to Charlotte. Which meant staying with her parents until she figured out what to do next. She refused to walk out of here empty-handed.
“Can you recommend anyone else I might try?”
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This was a great show. I am so glad someone recommended it. Kudos to the writer who volunteered. The latter paragraph you worked on (the revised version) is not grammatically correct. With inner dialogue, can you eschew some of the rules? I thought not but I would love know if I am mistaken.
It depends on who you ask. A copy editor might get in there and try to make it grammatical–as the author, it’s entirely up to you. For the most part you can break any rule you want if you’re doing it for a reason and it enhances the texture and the thought and the intent is easy to understand. Where you run into trouble is if the improper grammar confuses rather than enhances. If it’s a punctuation thing, though, that’s different. Mine’s gotten better seeing as I never got past 5th grade in terms of learning to write properly, but it’s still pretty rough. So, for the most part, I don’t even worry about it and just let the copy editors clean it up. Every once in a while I will refuse proper punctuation changes, but that’s rare and usually only when a change is going to mess up the cadence and voice.
This series is very helpful as I’m deep in a reboot of my first book – just for fun, I’m posting a quick before and after:
BEFORE
Lia showed Peter out. When she returned to her work table, it all seemed so pointless. She shoved the template aside, planted her elbows on the table and put her head in her hands. She stayed that way a long time.
AFTER
Lia showed Peter out. She returned to her work table and stared down at a now pointless mess of tiles. Drained, she could no longer maintain the death grip she’d held on her composure. The mask slipped and shattered, like the broken bits of tile littering her table.
She shoved the template aside, planted her elbows on the table and covered her face with her hands. When afternoon sunlight slanted through the windows with its hard, harsh glare, she was still there. She did not move until Honey nosed her knee, reminding her it was time for dinner.
Thanks so much for sharing that! You brave woman, you. 🙂
unlike a house, a paragraph can be rehabbed more than once!
Lia showed Peter out. She returned to her work table and stared at a now pointless pile of colorful bits. The death grip holding her emotions in check slipped and she shattered like the broken bits of tile littering her table. She shoved the template aside, planted her elbows on the table and covered her face with her hands. When the hard, harsh glare of afternoon sunlight slanted across her table, she was still there. She did not move until Honey nosed her knee, reminding her it was time for dinner.
I think I will stop there.
Wow! Much improved from the original. Great idea re-booting the first in your series. I’ll be curious to see how that helps sell through once you finish the new version.